Dance your DRESS OFF!!!!!
Oct 29, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IafZfaweQc

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everybody trying to catch my breath so
as you guys seen I only can make it
about almost seven or eight minutes I
think you guys I'm trying I'm working
hard I know that it doesn't seem like
much but to me because I haven't been
doing it
it's me building up that you know
progression and that gotta do it gotta
do what I gotta do
today I did a Zumba class thing and I
actually really enjoyed it I really did
Thank You sugar I didn't get any and
then also as you guys see I have been
still getting my gallon of water down
this is just those I don't have them
next to me but they're just flavor drops
that's all they are in water and I just
use the well this is my zero calorie
sugar no sugar famous sweet tea whatever
it's called you guys catch me at the end
of my dancing um
so I'm still trying to get my gallon of
water in no matter how I get it in I'm
getting it in yesterday I did not do
actual like I guess you'd say work out
but I scrubbed my house from top to
bottom and in just about four hours yes
I had to stop in between because my back
was killing me but I scrubbed this room
I took everything apart
and rearranged it all got it all
rearranged really nicely I just have a
few things over there I got to go
through but I mean I of course all my
cords you know but I mean I rearranged
and organized things and then I scrubbed
my bathroom and scrub the living room in
the kitchen and you know all the good
the good gifs of it all so then I
cleaned the bathroom the kitchen the
living room and all of that although the
living room looks like I didn't do
anything because my children have you
know got ahold of it since yesterday but
anyways so yeah it was it's been a good
day
I just everyday I'm pushing myself even
like I said even if it's six minutes or
seven minutes or even eight minutes if
that's all I can do I'm gonna do what I
can do and every day I will build a
little bit stronger that's just kind of
how I'm doing it right now and I'm just
taking that every day as it comes I'm
not forcing a whole bunch of changes
within myself because I don't want to do
that I want to take it every day as one
you know every day is its own challenges
versus trying to see every day into a
lump sum because then I just get too
overwhelmed so for that I try to remind
myself that every day is a new day and
every day comes with their own battles
achievements and all of that so that's
what I just keep reminding myself every
single morning that I wake up that Amy
what you accomplished today might be
different than what you accomplished
yesterday but today is a new day today
is not yesterday and today is it
tomorrow so anyways that is that I had
my counseling today it was an amazing
amazing amazing session I just feel like
letting go of so much this past week has
built me to want to be a bigger and
longer person and I feel like I can
almost see things at a different view I
feel like I have had such a huge weight
lifted off my shoulders because I'm not
trying to be something or have something
that is just never gonna evolve to what
I think it should be there for as long
as I release the burdens of what I was
holding within one time in my life that
I can go ahead and continue to focus on
my future and my present and that's just
what I'm gonna do and you know some days
are gonna be better than others and I
know that I know this is still a
complete journey I know that I'm gonna
have days where you know I struggle or
that I just don't feel like I can
continue or you know that our just
seemed to be overwhelming but then I'll
have those other days want baby okay but
then I have those other days that are
days that I can look on and say you know
what I felt so strong this day I can
make it this day and I did make it this
day and those days are what's gonna get
me through all my hard days and so you
know it's been good and I've been
spending a lot of times a lot of times a
lot of time with the kids you know I
realize now what memories I wish I had
as their age you know and now that I
know what I am missing and what I was
missing I definitely want to make up for
that
oops gonna get your hair giant yeah get
rid here honey it fell okay oh right
here I just want to make sure that I'm
fulfilling those needs and wants from
myself to them because they're they're
the I know making strides to be a better
person and a better mother and a better
wife and
better me for myself I know that I'm
gonna feel like I am reaching the the
goals that I'm setting upon myself and I
already feel like I am doing that to a
point because I feel like as I stop
fixating on what I can't change I am now
starting to focus on what I can change
and so that's what is driving me to be
this new better version of myself I
don't want to change my identity I don't
want to change the person that I have
become because they don't feel that that
person is anything bad I just want to
learn how to navigate even better and
more clear in situations that I get
tangled up in that might set me back a
little bit but I don't want it to set me
back to the point of throwing me
completely back I want to be able to
learn the tools to get through life as
it as it comes you know and that's kind
of where I'm at with my you know my
therapy and you know the the counseling
and talking to my therapist today and
explaining to her what had happened over
the weekend you know letting her know
the things that happened over the week
you know and learning my safe outlets
and you know where is my safe my safe
circle and my safe circle is you know
and this is really crazy but she said
what is the one thing that makes you the
most safest what makes you feel safe and
I told her the memories of my
great-grandma and how she was my safety
and she was many people safety and she
was the glue that worked our entire
family and stuck us all together and
kept us together until she passed away
and she passed away the day before my
first by what are mine and Ollie's one
year and
shuri so unfortunately she didn't get to
meet Olli but she was so excited for me
that I finally was with somebody that
truly brought out the true beautiful
colors that I had and you know I always
remember our little you know our private
talks that we would have and how she
would you know tell me that she was so
proud of me and you know and the tears
just started coming this morning not
counseling and I finally for the first
time cried over my grandma's death and
you know I don't think I've ever I don't
think I've ever grieved over my
grandmother's death I don't think that I
ever even shed a tear well oh I'll say
that I shed a tear the day that she
passed when I got to my car from the
hospital I cried for a second but I
don't know if I really cried for her or
if I cried for the fact that I really
felt alone during that time because all
he wasn't here and you know I really
wasn't doing very good with my family so
I just felt very alone and secluded in
that area in that time but I never I
don't think ever really grieved the loss
of her so today was just one of those
days that I had to mark that today I
really I shed tears for the loss of her
and for the loss of the the the
emotional support that I had from her
and you know being able to go back and
think of my safety unit and you know my
safety unit was in her home and the
things that stuck out at me today when I
would think about my safety you know and
her heater her heater was one of my
safeties because the noise the smell of
her house it was like that smelled the
her house had like a vegetable soup snow
I don't know how to I don't know how to
support like say it but it's how like a
soup
now so sometimes when Ali's cooking he
will cook something that smells very
similar to her house and it will just
like take me back to her home and I
guess I really didn't realize how much
her home was a safety unit for me and
how much she was such a safety unit for
me my grandfather was amazing he was the
best grandpa you could ever ask for but
he was so funny cuz he was close to all
of us kids and family but he was a lot
on his own like I remember he had a a
shack or shed or whatever you want to
call it in the back of the house that
you know he would sit out there and I
had with his wood burner and you know
everybody would go out there and see
grandpa because grandpa would go out
there that was his hangout his mancave I
guess you could call it and it wasn't
like he had to be doing anything other
than just sitting in this room and you
know it I think the warmth of both of my
grandparents brings a soft and safety
fill to a lot of us family members
that's I think something that everybody
can see because we you know as I am
growing up I still remember that and I
remember sometimes we'd be like whoa
grandma it's getting a little toasty in
here grandpa
it's getting a little hot in here but
it's that that safety unit and so being
able to now when I start feeling like my
anxiety is up I can sit back and I can
kind of reminisce and think back of
where my Safety Unit is which is with my
grandma and really think about when I
would sit in her wheelchair and talk to
her and you know she would pray over the
whole family she always she was a prayer
prayer warrior I mean she just prayed
prayed prayed prayer prayed my
grandfather wasn't he wasn't a believer
in anything up until on his deathbed and
my grandma for many many many many many
many men
years prayed for my grandpa and on his
deathbed he squeezed her hand to tell
her that you know he was at peace that
he you know whatever his choice was I I
don't know and I it's not my
responsibility it's not my place to say
what he chose but basically I believe
that he made a choice at some point on
his deathbed to make a choice to make a
step in some type of belief so oh yeah
so anyways and like my anxiety had this
last week and a half
I barely am sleeping barely sleeping
last night I slept all of twenty minutes
which it didn't help because Azhar
decided yesterday to well as Fran
Omar were fight like not fighting but
playing and he pulled her off the couch
and when she fell she fell on her arm
and she was blood screaming I thought
for sure she broke her arm because the
way she was crying and all he hadn't
gotten home yet so I called him I was
like where are you at like I am like my
kid is screaming I don't know what's
going on I don't know if she broke her
arm because every time I moved it she
would flip but after she settled down
then and all he came home and everybody
kind of calmed down she settled down and
we were able to assess the situation and
at that point then we you know we made
the decision that we don't think that
there was something wrong I just you
know we both thought that she probably
was scared because of the way she fell
but that we didn't feel like there was a
need to rush her to the emergency room
but we definitely kept an eye on it for
a couple hours and she was fine by the
time she went to bed but then about 4
o'clock in the morning there was some
psycho out front of our house we live on
a very quiet cul-de-sac by quiet
there really isn't any noise after 9:00
9:30 10:00 I mean it's very rare yeah
you're making tornadoes my son is
obsessed with tornadoes Omar
anyways 10 o'clock is like pushing it to
here even traffic going out of art our
street and oh my gosh 4 o'clock this
morning I don't know where this person
came from I don't know if they were
celebrating Halloween early or water got
the wrong memo that it was not the 31st
of October but let me tell you this
chick was running up and down our
streets screaming and I'm looking at my
window cuz mm-hmm Amy don't play that
game I am NOT going to front door to see
what's wrong and I watched too many
scary movies so I'm like peeping your
item you know my husband he sleeps sound
as a log so of course he's often all the
land and my kids were all asleep but of
course here's mom and so I was listening
to that and then I was thinking oh my
gosh is she trying to break into our
house so every yeah after every crack I
would think someone's breaking into our
house even though technically nobody
could ever break into our house cuz our
house
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